I found an awesome writing website a little while ago called drwicked.com. Basically you enter how long you want to write for, and if you stop writing the screen turns red and it makes loud noises until you start writing again. It’s amazing to write without thinking, that’s what this websites forces you do to. I highly recommend it if anyone has writers block, I even use it to help me write essays for school. I figured I would post one of my ramblings for the world to see, it’s no use to me anyway, maybe someone else will find it useful. I kept the horrible grammar and spelling the way I wrote it originally. I would ordinarily go through and correct it all, but there’s something about stream of consciousness writing that forbids correction.

the only reason i liked to write in the first place was because i was good at it. i didnt like to do it much, people just complimented me on it and i felt like it was something i should be doing. you know, the not waste talent kind of thing. that got boring because when i wrote then i felt like it had to be good, it had to be prefect because i was writing for everyone else, and not myself. ideally one should be doing something for themselves and since that wasnt this case, i didnt enjoy it as i should. not saying that i didnt enjoy it a little bit, just not as much as i should have enjoyed it. im just screwing around trying not to make it turn red on me but i guess stream of consciousness is better than nothing. i wish i could write well now, i wish i still loved to do it. the thing about wishing though is that it doesnt achieve anything. wishing helps you blow out candles and spot stars but not accomplish goals. there are so many things i wish i could do, but as i just said that doesnt mean much. if i had a goal in life, i would say it would be to be happy. like truly truly happy with myself, with who im with, with my decisions. regret solves nothing people say, but we have it anyway right. i dont have goals for myself like school goals, like career goals or any of that but i want to know who i am and i want to be happy with that person. that might be why im so reluctant to get a job, to take summer classes. i dont know how that will add to my search to myself but in my eyes so far it totally would hinder it. obviously i dont know if it will at all but for now im kind of in the go with the flow zone. i hate that people dont understand that. im 19 i should have a job i should have goals i should know what i want to do. i dont know what i want to do tomorrow, let alone next week, let alone for the rest of my life. im 19, which isnt old at alllllllllllllll. i know that itll help me later on and stuff like that but seriously

i dont have a time goal for this because i didnt know how long it should take i dont think things should have a time goal because that means that something needs to be happening in a certain amount of time in order for it to be deemed practical. i don’t think thats the word I’m looking for. necessary, no, maybe practical is the best one. there are some things that cant be measured in time increments. like happiness and the beach and swinging. i mean of course you can time how long youre on the beach for but you cant time how much sand you got in your hair, or how sunburned you got, or the little girl in front of you whos bathing suite matched her flip flops. you can time the amount of time you spend on a swing but you cant time how high you got, or the swooshing feeling in your stomach when the swing hung in the air before it fell again, or the dirt stuck in the grooves of your shoes from trying to stop because you forgot that swinging makes you really sick. I guess most of the things ive mentioned are childish, maybe thats because you cant time childhood either. when does it start? when does it end? when youre born? but youre a baby until youre an infant until youre a child. but at what age is that? and who determines when you turn into a child? most of all, who determines when you stop being a child? in my eyes you can never stop being a child. you never lost the leap of excitement when you hear the first ice cream truck of the summer, or the desire to jump into a pile of leaves. sure, some people try to squelch these feeling with their “maturity” and their “growing up” but the emotions are still there, just below their tailored suite and salon colored hair. who times maturity and who made up the rule that you have to be mature at a certain age? who came up with the guidelines that society uses to judge said level of maturity? its crazy. everyone is pushed to grow up so fast. 12 year olds start to diet to fit in, 8 year olds start to form cliques and decide whats in and whats not. i would say that i blame it on tv like most people, but i dont. tv just copies real life. i blame it totally on societal pressures to be prefect. moms stare in dismay at their hips while her child watches and learns that its alright to hate your body. dad talks smack about his coworkers at the dinner table and teaches the valuable lesson of discrimination. kids just imitate what they see and they see their parents trying to be better. don’t you think that gives off the feeling that they’re not good enough? i once read that “a mother is god in the eyes of her child”. if the child thinks that god isn’t good enough, how are they supposed to feel about themselves?