I have some vices. Among the worst are that I drink too much coffee and I smoke. The thing is, I don’t really enjoy them. In my mind, they are temporary. I admit that there’s an element of denial in the previous sentence. To say that coffee and cigarettes are temporary isn’t so different from saying I can stop anytime. They just don’t feel natural to me because they’re habits I picked up from other people. Or more specifically, when I smoke and drink, I feel I’m pretending to be other people.

The habit I feel the most guilty about having is laziness. I love just lying in bed or sitting around all day and doing nothing but staring and shifting from one position to a more comfortable one. It seems innocent enough but I always feel so guilty when I indulge in this because I’m literally doing nothing. And I love it. When I smoke and drink coffee, I can picture my father, friends, old boyfriends, crushes, and celebrities doing the same and there’s some sort of consolation in that. When I am being lazy, I don’t picture anybody. It’s only me and it’s a habit all my own.