You ever have that moment in a dream, right before you wake up, when you realize you’re dreaming, and you tell yourself to wake up? After a few minutes you realize you’re back to reality and really start to appreciate reality? I think almost everyone has had this experience at some point. Now imagine never waking up. I don’t mean like your dead, you’re still in that dream world. And your head is still saying to wake up. But you’re not waking up. That is my way of explaining DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER. It’s also what I’m going to blog about because I’m obsessed with the topic as it afflicts me every second of every waking hour. According to books I’ve read about it, it’s the third most common psychiatric affliction in the United States. Yet no one knows about it. At least that’s the way it seems. You should really look it up on Wikipedia or Google it and quickly look over the definition if you want to know the full details. Again it’s called DEPERSONALIZATION DISORDER.

 Suffice it to say, I am not a very happy person. Devoid of any of my real emotions, I do my best to fake my way through the day. My facial expressions are all dulled, and I really don’t desire much, including sex by the way, which makes it very hard to get motivated and move my buttocks out of bed. Facial expressions are something I’m obsessed with, my own and others and it has gotten to the point that it’s hard for me to have a conversation face to face with someone. So, how do I get out of bed? Firstly, I want to get better, and sitting in bed ruminating my fate and getting frustrated and angry won’t help me. I was told that the only way I would get better is by doing things.Why is that? Interestingly, depersonalization disorder comes on as a defense mechanism. It’s like the brain puts on a shield, blocking out emotions because it sees some danger in feeling them. There’s anxiety about feeling something so instead the brain just shuts down and you become sort of numb. While this is good for you in moments, like if you have a loved one die and to ensure your continued functioning you needed to hold back the grief or else you’d go nuts, you would then return to normal after a while. The problem is if you’ve been in that state for so long, despite your conscious memory telling you that the world is safe, your subconscious has yet to get the message.(If you’re bored and stop here I don’t blame you. It is depressing )

Thus, I have to force myself out of bed to get better. Okay. Fine. The problem is HOW THE HELL CAN YOU FUNCTION AT ALL WHEN EVERYTHING IS SO CONFUSING???Suddenly, the littlest detail’s of my life are tricky, I’m obsessing about things like how should I look when I say good morning to my mom, who am I really, stuff (hopefully) everyone else takes for granted. So, I get frustrated and angry, I start making funny faces at everyone I see and in the end since people don’t like people like that I get ignored or looked over. And I’m left alone again, with my thoughts. This decreases anxiety about everything but again, reinforces the fact that people and emotions are dangerous. A vicious cycle that never seems to end. There’s reason one for writing the blog. It’s an outlet for me to vent my frustration, at a mental illness that still baffles the top therapists and psychiatrists in the world.  This horrible disease of the mind, one that is constantly playing tricks on you, something that has finally started to be recognized by the psychiatric community as a real problem, and research has started its slow course. I know there are many forums online where people with this situation come and support each other and I participate in those too, but this is a way for me to contribute with others as well. And get some feedback. Also, I used to believe mental illness was just an affliction of the weak and feeble minded. People who got depressed are lacking conviction and purpose and are lazy. Anxiety was by people who are just weird. And those with real disorders should be locked up and I wanted nothing to do with them. However, partly due to my affliction with depersonalization, where I’ve come to meet people who have all sorts of issues that were psychological, and were still good people! as well as growing up and maturing, I realize that these are  people that should be really respected. Look at the fact that they have all these problems and can still get up and accomplish things!!It’s amazing!!!

 Everything is judged based on our own visual perception. Well, I’m that sleepy, dreamy guy in the back that looks out of it. The one that’s confused and just tired of life, tired of trying, tired of not fitting in or feeling normal. Am I heroic? Not really, you guys would all probably be doing what I’m doing in the same situation. But that doesn’t mean I have it easy. It doesn’t mean I shouldn’t get the same respect as anyone else, and the same way you would at least have some sympathy for someone with a physical disability, I believe I should at least get half of that. And since this is the third most common psychiatric disorder it got me thinking to how many people we know that we label as nerds, jerks, whatever who are really just a victim of circumstances. Or are we all just victims of circumstances and mine just suck more than yours and I have to suck it up? Maybe. It’s not like I can’t do anything. I can play basketball (probably better than most of you reading this: I’m 6 foot 1 and a half and since I’m so anxious I run like a mile a minute). But I don’t feel good after winning. It’s just straight anxiety and stupid thoughts and ruminations like did my face look the right way? Did he think I was weird while we were playing ball? And while I can get good marks in class I never felt good after. I just feel a sense of relief at being done the class. In this altered state of consciousness I feel like I’m already dead. At least partially. Probably 7/19th’s. On second thought 8/19th’s. Doesn’t matter. Something is wrong with me in my head AND I AM FREAKING OUT. EVERY SECOND! Anyways, the best thing I’ve found is to lose yourself in the moment, concentrating outside of myself. Like when I’m writing this piece. I’m totally absorbed in the writing and have forgotten my psychological situation, but the second I stop I’m in trouble…So I’m going to keep on writing forever(:))…see you next week .

Love you all,

Lee