Last week I attended the GLASA ice cream social.  While it was a nice feeling to see all my classmates again, for the first few minutes I felt like a fish out of water. An outcast. Probably because the majority of people that I met last year had recently graduated.

Thinking back, I had attended my first meeting with GLASA just last year, a lecture on Religious Faith and Sexual Identity, during the time I finally admitted to myself that I might be gay. I felt so welcomed by the members and learned a lot hearing from speakers, and watching presentations and videos on the subject. The question and answering section after the lecture was so profound and thought-provoking and I felt so at home with the people there.  I shared my views openly, was myself and met a lot of new friends.

Growing up due to the media I only knew of the typical lesbian stereotype: baggy jeans, short military buzz cut, converse, adorning the rainbow flag in some form, interested in sports, never wears dresses –which by the way I’m not knocking you ladies. I love all my lgbt family. I just wasn’t at all fit into that nitch. It’s not the same feeling as when I see a stereotype of a black person that doesn’t relate to me at all because it’s not like I can say I’m not black when I can look at my brown skin and obviously that’s not true. .  I would see that stereotype and think…

“wait… maybe I’m not gay at all.”

Me –a  girl who is extremely girly when it comes to clothes and fashion, who adores the feeling of adorning a dress and heels, who isn’t that into sports at all, who had male attractions here and there.  It wasn’t until late late highschool/early college that I learned about the “ The L word”, a show filled with feminine lesbians, that I saw another perspective.  And as much as I’m not a huge fan of the show [plot is lacking at points in my eyes…] I do love it for that!

I never had a problem with being gay. Coming to the realization of not knowing myself after 21 years of life was what was scary in itself.  You could say I had some idea, as I look back now, due to various attractions, events, thoughts and crushes. However, it was suddenly admitting, ”Ash….you have feelings for this person and it’s a girl…” that finally brought me home. It was like something hit me and changed inside me that day. A beautiful fire started to burn brightly that I was never aware had been lit. I was happy and just wanted to tell someone. Anyone. I imed “I’m Bi” randomly to two of my close friends on aim, who just laughed and shrugged it off and said “ Yeah doesn’t surprise me” and that was that . I’ve been out[ at least not to my family yet] ever since.

You can say I’ve been lucky. I haven’t gotten what you can call an ‘ earth shattering negative reaction’ yet and I’m thankful. Of course with some there was that

“You? Gay? Oh maybe you’re just bisexual. Or maybe it’s because you’re an artist”

Or the ‘completely brushing it off and saying I’m confused and not believing I’m gay at all’ response. I’ve always been a person that isn’t phased by what anyone says about me because I feel unless you’re close family or friends, whatever you say doesn’t matter. You don’t matter as much to me so you can say what you want and I’ll do what I want. It does help that I have one close lesbian friend whom I’ve known since high school. You can say she’s like my “Obi Wan Kenobi”. [ I’m  a nerd in case you can’t tell]She’s the one who introduced me to more gay-ventures, blogs, and places in New York City.

It’s been a year. I went to Pride Parade twice, Pride Fest once, found out about “Queer as Folk”, LGBTQ movies, stood across the street from Stonewall, met more LGBTQ friends in college, and joined GLASA at Queens College.  Although I can say I learned quite a bit about being LGBTQ in NYC, I can still say there’s a lot of things I’ve yet to learn and a lot to discover. I’m taking my first steps with open arms into a new world in front of me.

So I have a question for you. At what point did you realize that you were gay? What were you feeling? Who did you tell?

& If you’re straight [ not to worry my straight-y readers, I have questions for you too] , how would you feel to suddenly realize something about yourself after many years? What would you do? Who’s the first person you’d talk to?