This topic should get some interesting responses. Internet Pornography. Do you know what the biggest business on the internet is by far? Ruining marriages and families, pornography is the silent killer of this generation. Sure, it seems harmless at first but eventually it will destroy your relationships and ruin your life. This is a topic that I will hopefully get to spend my life lecturing about once I’m better. It’s why I believe the internet is evil and should be banned from homes. It should be at least as bad as cigarettes, if not more so. This is where my story begins and ends, starting in the seventh grade the year of 98’ when the Yankees would win the World Series again, the year my life would become forever scarred and ruined.
My best friend told me about this website fun.com where you could see well, you know what(I think it’s now a modeling website and not a porn site)…anyway, I didn’t believe him but I guess I believed him enough that I checked it out and for some reason I was hooked. I was 11, naïve, a good kid, and this stuff astonished me. Totally blew me away. Now, looking at pornographic pictures isn’t the problem really. The problem was my adverse and maladaptive reaction towards it. I felt so guilty for what I was doing at night that I made sure to put on an extra special show during the day, trying to be perfect. Instead of being just myself, an above average well behaved and well liked kid, I turned into a perfectionist. I had to have perfect grades; I became a goody goody, all to cover up so that no one would know what was going on (and to alleviate my guilt). What I showed on the outside became farther and farther away from what I felt on the inside. Moreover, I split. Literally. I lost myself. Whether there was too much guilt for me to handle, too much cognitive dissonance, or I just couldn’t handle the stress of everything, part of me let go. And I’ve never been able to get it back.
Realize that I come from an ultra religious background where sex is never mentioned in the house so to me I felt like I was doing a horrible sin, like murder. And not just once. AGAIN AND AGAIN….obviously looking back the whole thing seems ridiculous. I was just a curious kid, exposed to something that was new and exciting and forbidden and as any adolescent would do, well whatever…but maybe it really is something horrible. Check out this link to psychology today and tell me what you think…http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/cupids-poisoned-arrow/201107/porn-induced-sexual-dysfunction-is-growing-problem
This is why I hate the internet. Why I wish it were never created. Why I now dread the day I was born and go to sleep hoping not to wake up. One stupid, big, huge mistake has now ruined my life and it makes me want to cry while I’m writing this. Hopefully I will get better and I can be someone for adolescents to turn to, that they’ll feel comfortable sharing their pain with. But for now, I can only dream of that. And suffer silently through the day…
I’ve been told by so many people to get over it and move on and forget the past but when I don’t feel anything how am I supposed to? (Again, a reminder-I have depersonalization disorder) Sure, I can fake it but that’s not good enough! Luckily, I have an understanding therapist who with some good insight has explained to me that my life could not have been so rosy if I was looking to lose myself in something like that. My emotions must not have been validated (check out Alice Miller’s must read “the drama of the gifted child”). Why am I sharing my story? I guess partly it makes me feel more normal, as if everything now fits into place and has an explanation. However, I also hope that this story makes you, future or present parents, who will have internet in the house think twice before exposing your kids to it. I know my parents regret the day they bought it into the house, and will regret it for the rest of their lives. Don’t make the same mistake. Ask questions, have filters, monitor your kids, put the computer in a public space…you don’t want to ruin a nice innocent carefree child/adolescent’s hope for a happy and successful future.
Love you all, Lee L
