To facetiously imitate Elle Wood in legally blonde.  Of course it is! If you’re LGBTQI, part of the difficulties that come along with it is coming out to your parents, which is in my opinion MUCH more difficult than coming out to your peers and friends. With peers and friends if they don’t approve of your lifestyle or tease you it can be easy to brush it off  and to not give a rat’s ass or can affect you less than telling the people who’ve known you your entire life as a straight individual and have hopes, dreams and expectations of you. The idea that you, their precious gift of sunshine, could possibly shatter those dreams could be a bit intimidating and could also cause many people to choose not to come out ‘til they move out or much later in life.

To update on news with me, I had recently come out to my parents. To my mom at least. It wasn’t intentional. It wasn’t something I had planned to do at this point in time.  Did I feel scared? Hell yes.  To cover my feelings I had felt alone, scared, cornered, confused, suddenly tonguetied and you can probably throw in  fucked over big time, pardon my french, and couple other choice words.

So how did this go down Ash? What exactly happened? The  other day, coming home from at 8 pm after a long day of hanging out with friends I walked into a dark house with the exception of my mom’s light being on. Apparently my brother was out at basketball practice and my dad was still at work.

I walked into my Mom’s room to say a casual “ Hey I’m home. Can we order pizza?” My mom looked at me seriously for a moment and asked  “Ashley can I ask you a question?” I was suddenly scared and responded, “yes…?” My mom then asked “ Are you in a lesbian relationship?” Of course my reaction as a person not being ready to come out at that present moment was  “ What? Why are you asking me this? I’m not in a relationship. I’m single.” She slowly said “ I’ve noticed many instances and hints that you might be a lesbian or bisexual. Are you lying to me?” My heart started to beat fast. “ Instances like what?” My mom said “ Well, you left you computer once and I saw  a conversation that looked strange,  I found writing in your room. [ writing…my blog topics on a sheet of paper…not smart of me I know]…” I froze as she continued to list different instances she noticed and I denied everything. I said I was a gay supporter and have a lot of gay friends. Doesn’t necessarily mean I’m gay. She then told me “ Ashley I know when you’re lying. I’ve known you from birth. You smile and your lips quiver when you lie” I simply said “ I also smile when it’s awkward. This is awkward.”

A few minutes later I went to my room to change out of my clothes, when what I really did was run to my laptop, turn on aim and  to  send out an S.O.S signal.  On my bed I saw a paper, which I’ve never seen in quite some time but I do remember writing it.  It was labeled the days of the week, Monday through Friday, with a list of blog topics, plans for bistander and at least 10 phrases with gay and lesbian on it all over the page. I was horrified. I rapidly instant messaged my friend who was on a bus in Boston at the time, “ I need your help! My mom asked me if I’m gay, for real this time and I don’t know what to do. I’m not ready to come out.”  My friend managed to calm me down and told me, “well it was bound to happen eventually.”

I had two options: 1) I could let  my mom think what she wants and say nothing or I could sit down and tell it to her straight [gay]. Which was what I did.  I changed my clothes. Pulled on my Pratt sweatshirt hoodie, which then felt like armor and said in a strong, calm voice,  “ Mom, I don’t like men. I prefer women and I don’t think that’s abnormal and I’d hope you’re not disappointed and don’t love me any less.”  Momma Ash was a tough cookie. She said that she was not disappointed but wished  an easier life for me in a straight relationship because the world isn’t accepting yet, that I’m safe sexually and take precautions because in her eyes in the gay world everyone is promiscuous, which is true at times but not necessarily true.

Due to the false ideas of the media, I had to clear up a few things:

Just because  I prefer women that doesn’t mean:

1. I have any desire to dress up as a boy
2. That I don’t like feminine girls
3. That I’m promiscuous and would have sex or hump anything that moves as depicted in the media
4. That I’ll never get married
5. That I’ll never have children
6. That I won’t practice safe sex
7. That I won’t have a fulfilling life
8. That I won’t have a safe life
9. That I can’t be monogamous
10. That I’m oblivious to the increased discrimination
11. That I’m scared of discrimination
12. That I’m any less of a person
13. That I can’t choose who I love and openly be with who I love

I’m pleased to say the talk went very well. I would say I could’ve done with the explaining how lesbian sex is different and what dental dams are…but hey. It helps that I am more knowledgeable  and a stronger person than I was a year ago when I first realized I was gay and it made me feel grateful for what I have, this blog, and my friends.  I didn’t cry surprisingly. My mom teared up a bit. However, she also recommended gender studies books for me to read that she found very interesting. She also knows about this blog now and is proud of me. Hasn’t read it yet. But I feel more inspired.  It’ll take some time for her to adjust and for it to settle in and it’ll take time for me to adjust to being open with my mom but I’m glad. My brother and dad don’t know yet. With my dad I’m sure it’ll be tougher. He’s less gay supportive and friendly. We’ll see how that goes. Thank you everyone for reading and for continually reading despite my absences at times.

And I hope that when you come out to your parents it goes just as well, if not better and that you come out when you’re ready in the best way you feel fit. Also I feel it’s important to give them time to adjust.  It will be shocking whether you get a positive response or not. You just dropped the ball on them with something huge in your life. Give them time. With me, I would accidently drop hints. I’m not great at being incognito…at all. But if you choose to come out and want it to be less surprising beforehand, you could always purposely drop hints. It’ll make telling them that much easier.

 

What would you have done being in my situation? Would you have done the same thing at this present time? Or would you have let my mom think what she wanted and waited? I can say that I definitely feel less stressed, like a weight has been lifted even though I’ve yet to speak to my dad.  I’m sure that will present itself in time and hopefully my mom will be there to help me.