I’ve been absent from this blog for a while. I had to get away from everything for a moment.
When I came here last year, I was so excited. I had a list of cities that I wanted to live in and NYC was on that list. It was a city that had so much to do. I was going to be able to study writing and meet new writers. I was so excited and eager to begin a new life. I dreamed about what my life would be like in this city.
I did a lot of thinking while I was away and one of the things that I thought about was not coming back (or only coming back to ship my belongings back home). The life that I envisioned is the complete opposite of the one that I’m living.
School isn’t the problem. My grades were great last semester and I enjoyed my classes. It’s just that initial excitement that I felt when I was moving here has completely disappeared and it feels like I’m spending most of my time questioning myself—asking myself why I did this.
The few friends that I’ve made have been great friends. Everyone that I’ve met has been kind and sincere. But so much is still missing from my life here.
I came here because of a dream but sometimes I wonder if I should even have a dream. I hear about people following their dreams everyday but should I have chosen to follow mine? Certain things about this experience just aren’t working out the way I wanted them to and its stressing me out. I think about all that I walked away from to come here.
I have a little over a year before graduation and I don’t want to spend that time second guessing myself.
While I was away over the winter break so many people told me not to give up, and to go back to NYC and to keep praying and that everything will work out. I heard those words from friends and family over and over again.
I decided to come back but it wasn’t easy. I didn’t arrive back in the city feeling the way I did when I arrived last summer. I was anything but excited.
If I’ve learned anything from this experience (and other past experiences) it’s that things never work out the way we expect and to be prepared to have to change course.
Who knew following a dream could be so frustrating?