So, we’ve all heard that waterless urinals exist now. CitiField has been using them quite successfully for a few years now. In fact, they manage to consistently provide at least 300 of them for use by their thousands of Met fans (disgruntled as we may be at the moment… or always… nevermind) during every game without much issue.

So why is the ONE waterless urinal provided in the men’s room on the main floor of Fitz gym such a problem? Adorned with a dilapidated “I’m a waterless urinal – try me!” sign, this sad fixture has been covered in a clear plastic garbage bag for months due to what is clearly a drainage issue.

How do I know it’s a drainage issue? Well, last week, the clear plastic bag was gone and, prior to my arrival, it seemed that about a dozen men had decided that its absence must have meant that this pot to piss in was functioning – again(?).

How do I know it was a dozen? I don’t actually know for sure — but that’s how many I’d estimate would have to empty their bladders to fill a clogged waterless urinal with as much urine as this one was filled with at the time.

By the way, good job being aware of the world around you Peeing Guys #3 through #12! I commend you for your obliviousness. Bravo. You must be very calm – almost zen-like in your diminished mental capacities. You should start an irresponsible restroom users club with the guy who took a crap on the restroom floor in Remsen last semester … so we can deport you all to a less civilized nation. But I digress.

The fix to this malodorous mixup during the brief window in our porcelain hero’s lustrous life out of order was to simply put back the clear plastic bag. Yep. That’s it. It is a resolution that is inspiring in its simplicity. Unfortunately, inspiration is a mandatory component of respiration and a half gallon of stagnant, week-old urine has a stink that buckles your knees like a kick to the head.

Yesterday, a week after a visit from our dirty dozen, their urine had distilled down to what can best be described as something that looked like about a half a cup of French’s Classic Yellow Mustard.

To whom it may concern (since its your job to manage these things):
1) Please clean it up if you haven’t already.
2) Please just concede defeat in your lackluster attempt to go green…

…or maybe, just maybe, RTFM, get green and replace the sign with a new one that says something to this effect:

“Hi there! Looking for relief? Well guess what! I’m a waterless urinal! Yes, you’re right, I have been out of order and a stinking eyesore for at least two semesters, but I have been rehabilitated and am now fully capable of allowing you to make the environmentally conscious choice to relieve yourself with me rather than with those automatic flushing, water wasting urinals to my right. I mean, who wants a robot to watch them peeing anyway, right? So what are you waiting for !? Oh… are you pee shy? Sorry … just think about all that water that you won’t be wasting flowing out in the world raining into lakes, flowing down streams and rivers, gushing over Niagara F… ah.., there you go! Excellent! Hmm… a word of advice. Men should drink at least 3 liters of fluid daily or more if you’re exercising here at Fitzerald Gym. To replace fluid lost in a vigorous workout, drink 2 to 3 cups of water per pound lost during your exercise session. Don’t forget to wash your hands! Bye!”